"I am the vortex of Peace"

 This morning's meditation.  It came to/for me:

"I am the vortex of Peace."

and then, a bit later on,

"I am the vortex of peace,

Wrapped in love."

New iPhone 16 - Coincidences and Gratitude

 My new iPhone 16 is arriving today.  I just realised that this is the first iPhone I ever bought myself.  Well, with mom's help really.

Msgs from Morning Meditations; Belief Change Cycle x2

 🔹 body (twinges of sensation) says to me: "we are healing. You are healing" and being cushioned by support and love

🔹 Lester Levinson (says to me): "read my book again"

🔹 Thnich Nath Hanh, Lester Levinson, Jose Silva... Dissolving and merging into me till we are nothing and everthing, merged.

🔹Lester taking ouy the tumour, saying you are alreafy healed. The only impediment at the moment is that I don't  fully believe it. Lester says it might be worth it to do the Change Belief Cycle again, new belief 

I am the Light

 Mom named me correctly, even if she never fully realised that. Helena for Light.

Today I did a Tad James self Time Line (TL) intervention.

The trigger for the intervention is this recent supposed recurrence of cancer.

Dr Joe Dispenza: POC. If it can happen for others, it can happen for me. Intention & Elevated Emotions

 Video 1

* Become Conscious Of Your Thoughts

* Your Personality creates your Personal Reality.

Personality = what you think => how you behave => how you feel 

* Meditation = to become familiar with 

Tony Robbins: Time to Rise (TRTR) Day 4 (Bonus Day)

 

Tony Robbins: Time to Rise (TRTR) Day 3

 

Tony Robbins: Time to Rise (TRTR) Day 2

 

Tony Robbins: Time to Rise (TRTR) Day 1

 name of person who kindly made up these sheets is at bottom of each sheet.

Abandonment; Cancer; Peaceful. I DON'T UNDERSTAND

This morning on waking up, I started the tapping session with the following issue in mind: how do I stay strong, calm, peaceful during this period of uncertain but apparently (dr says) likely cancer recurrence - detected after almost 10 years after first diagnosis and treatments.

 

Meditation Answer: Just Be

Sounds so trite I know. But I have been asking, in various ways, over at least a couple of days and night, as to what I should focus on that would best help myself as I seem to have so many things going wrong (feet, neuropathy, eyes, floaters, guts, fat tummy, recurrence of C, constipation, SOBOE, coughing, emphysema, thyroid,etc etc) I feel all a-spin. I feel like my mind is spinning with no firm ground to stand on. I don't know what to think, what to focus on, to do, to prioritise.

Then during and following this morning's meditation, it felt like the answer that came to me was just "to be". To learn to just be; not chase, do, rectify, heal, eliminate, send light to. Or whatever the zillion directions and modalities one can go into, and never knowing which is the right one.

For now, the best thing I can do for myself, is just be. Just.

Will you love me now?

Am I going to die soon? And will I see my mom? And mom, will you love me now ...

FAMILY A DISAPPOINTMENT. AGAIN

 Yesterday we received not so good news from Dr Kate, oncologist at ALCC. Re. PET scan detecting something which she says is cancer re-emerging.

Told family.  Barely a ripple of response.  True I told them I didn't expect them to respond but they really didn't.  Disappointed and hurt after all the times and hours they took off me when they needed help or to complain.  

Worse than that, not one of them refuted to me saying that "some of them" might think I was overly concerned about my health issues or that those unidentified someones thought I complained too much.  I am thinking of Xavier of course.  But so disappointed and hurt that not one of them refuted that claim.  

I feel I barely complain to them yet X & S have spent hours of my time talking about their concerns, issues, worries, health ... repeatedly.  And for any of them to think I complain too much or show too much concern over my health just demonstrates to me their lack of understanding and lack of irony!  Maybe if they are ever in this situation where a life-threathening threat never goes away, they may understand. But then again, given their lack of awareness sometimes, maybe not even then.

Maybe it is their/our upbringing.  But I am fed up of making excuses for them or pushing my brain to try and give them a good, plausible reason.  Done that for years and years with mom till I was wrung dry.  In the end it felt like I gave her more compassion than I ever showed myself.  No more.

From hereonin, I am no longer updating the family, beyond real bare minimum, about my health.  I will also probably be less available when they need help or a ear to talk to or  to give them help of any kind.  

Maybe that is not the best approach for me but right now, I am just going to put me me me me first and avoid situations that obviously have such potential of disappointment and hurt for me.

I get more sympathy from online friends I have never met and even from Sook Fun who is like an outcast from the Lim family.

p/s If this reads as if I am angry, I so am.  

Coughing -Itchy Throat

 this is kind of an answer from a dream. Something about why I still have itchy this throat and coughing. 

Ans :  something to do with not speaking my truth/need. But I didn't really understand what that could

Mom - Me; Me - My Body

This must have been during an EFT session. During their annual summit. I was tapping about ho w mom seemed to always criticize me no matter what I do or what achievements I garnered. Then I realized that I did exactly the same thing to my body! No matter how well my body did, now faithfully it performed, how loyally, now good it looked, I always criticized it, took it for granted,  never praised it, was always ashamed of it, and over taxed it.

I treated my body like my mom treated me!!!

Syl & "Alex's Initiative"

 Hi Syl, 

re. "Alex's intiative" as you called it, viz "His suggestion to open up to Lim family putting in together to cover the cost of the funeral etc etc .."

I took time to write this out because:

 1) his "initiative" opened up a plethora of thoughts and emotions for me, and 

2) your thoughts on this also did the same.

"What about me?" Incident (for Xavier)

 Hi Xavier,

thanks for asking about the "what about me?" issue that I mentioned in the Malacca chat.

It's a bit of a long story so I will try to summarise as best as I can.

We three (Alex, Syl, and myself) were chatting ...  after having food somewhere (as usual!), I think.  It was towards the later part of my stay.  By which stage, I had heard hours and hours of other people's stories ... their issues, complaints, stuck-ness, how to, what if, etc. etc.  Maybe something tiny inside snapped or ...

How did I Style and Theme Blogspot: ClearlyHelena

as at Jan 2024, I started working on the ClearlyHelena blogspot again (because it is free and the self hosting at HostGator (I think) was getting to be way too expensive).

The blogger CH, is looking better than I could have hoped for.  This is mainly due to applying:

• Bootstrap (mainly) and 
• having a few of my own CSS styles.  

How to apply Bootstrap.

On their doc>> intro page (https://getbootstrap.com/docs/5.3/getting-started/introduction/), I followed their step 2.

where the full <link> was: (aa mar 2025, noted  that link code may change from what I have here.  Also, I need to end it with a closing /> otherwise blogger will give an error msg.)

<link href="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/npm/bootstrap@5.3.2/dist/css/bootstrap.min.css" rel="stylesheet" integrity="sha384-T3c6CoIi6uLrA9TneNEoa7RxnatzjcDSCmG1MXxSR1GAsXEV/Dwwykc2MPK8M2HN" crossorigin="anonymous">




and the full <script> was:

<script src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/npm/bootstrap@5.3.2/dist/js/bootstrap.bundle.min.js" integrity="sha384-C6RzsynM9kWDrMNeT87bh95OGNyZPhcTNXj1NW7RuBCsyN/o0jlpcV8Qyq46cDfL" crossorigin="anonymous"></script>

Then when ever I had to use a specify bootstrap tag, I referred back to them for documented help: 
Get Started with Bootstrap.

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My Own Customised CSS styles

I have tried to use minimal customised styles but some were necessary or very  helpful.  

To find them on Blogger dashboard:

Theme >> Customise >> Edit HTML >> (and then inserted my customised styles after the theme's default styles)

I inserted around line 600 and before the code that looks like this:

]]></b:skin>

Grandma's Gift, a Decade after her passing

(I have never written this down nor actually talked about this.But I mentioned this to X about this incredible gift from Ah Ma when I was in my late 20s and Ah Ma had already passed close to a decade. I promised him I would tell him about it and so, this is it… This is written in the format of a continuing text conversation with my brother...)

(Src Credit: Xavier Lim, 2021)

You were so spot on when you said, " we were afraid to be nice to her (Ah Ma)". I was afraid you might not understand but obviously, you will. Because we were afraid.

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Strategies of Coping with a Cancer Journey

(This is written in the format of a letter because a letter to a friend was indeed the catalyst.)

Dear LH,

You are going through a hard time right now, coping with cancer and chemo and all the emotional and physical turmoil that involves.

I never liked others telling me what to do, not even when i was going through a similar journey. Therefore I won’t tell you what to do nor how to feel and cope. I can only tell you of my own journey and the strategies I used to help me cope. With the hope they can be of use to you too.

For everyone, cancer is an unwanted condition and a difficult journey. It is scary. It is lonely. No matter how many people are around you or how much others may want to help, ultimately it is an inner journey and one we have to do ourselves, on our own.

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Why won’t she forgive me?

A whole lifetime and I still didn’t know why she would not, or could not, forgive me. I didn’t even know what it was I did wrong that needed her forgiving. It just felt that her unpredictable hostile behaviour was because she could not forgive me. Now that she is gone, the puzzle and the agony still would not give me peace Last night I had a dream. And finally, more that half a century of bemused confusion, I think I now know why my mother, try as hard as she could, was often hostile and sometimes downright nasty to me.

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Pent up Belly & Life Re-Mission

OK, let’s say that this distended belly and lower abdomen means something – and let’s say the body is telling me there is things “pent up” in there. So what is it? Or what are they?

Let’s say it is, as it keeps coming to mind, to do with mom. What could this pent up feelings be?

Let’s say I have taken on board mom’s emotions. What would they be?

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Stand By Me

I had a talk

with you

long overdue

rambling and alcohol fuelled

yet true