Hi Syl,
re. "Alex's intiative" as you called it, viz "His suggestion to open up to Lim family putting in together to cover the cost of the funeral etc etc .."
I took time to write this out because:
1) his "initiative" opened up a plethora of thoughts and emotions for me, and
2) your thoughts on this also did the same.
When I read his suggestion on the family chat, it also took me by surprise. And it also made me think it was unfair. But only because I realised immediately how that suggestion would impact each of us differently. And I thought it was unfair in that I knew that, as always, Alex would be the one bearing the bulk of the responsibility and burden. And so, that is how it has turned out again.
But getting past that surprise (of why he would even make such a surprise suggestion and in the family chat), I reasoned that, knowing him ... whatever his underlying intention was, it had to be good. And that also usually meant good for other(s) and not necessarily for himself.
I have since had a chat with him and sure enough, the intent was so that TS would feel and know that she is Family and that we, the Lim family, will all endeavour to take care of her, as best we can. So in effect, which I am sure he knew ahead of time, he was giving us credit even when he knew he would end up being the main giver.
Just to be transparent here as well, I thought that Alex, Tina, and I would split that 18.6k bill 3 ways. But after a chat to both of them (where both of them were generously willing to share the total between themselves), I decided to contribute 4k (approx 1/5 of the total) towards the F&H (funeral and hosp exp). While Pete and I are struggling a bit at the moment, I still have the money from Mommie's house and from that, almost all Msia related expenses have been used.
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I don't know of anyone who can take feedback better than you can and go away and ponder on it and come back with something positive and growth promoting. So as above with Alex, knowing you, and trusting in the Universe, I hope that the following will promote more openness and understanding rather than anything else.
As an unrelated but related aside, when I heard that someone had uttered the words, commenting on Alex's intent and actions, that "he (Alex) ... did he just intend on taking advantage of and making use of Balex?"...I was angered, aggrieved, saddened, and pained.
I thought, after all the uncountable number of times and occasions, the endless years of others taking advantage of Alex's generosity, of how Alex again and again and AGAIN helped others (them/us) out ... over and over and over again ... when he really didn't have to .... to then now question Alex's intent and integrity .... that was beyond comprehension. It was galling. But also so sad. For that person(s) and also for Alex.
Alex, for his part, has a generosity of heart that is way beyond my ability. So I can only admire and be in awe of our little brother that he can absorb that hurt and insult and still move on, still be willing to love and aid the very people who take and insult; being able to see through to their non-intent to harm.
Now to you and me.....
To you personally, I have to say that some of the words you shared with me really shocked, then saddened, then really hurt me. But let me qualify this with awareness now ... I know it is not you and not your words that hurt me so ... but I was hurt in how I processed them and my thoughts that accompanied them. So in that very real sense, I am not blaming you. (But why then am I sharing this with you, right?)
I share this with you because, like I indicated above, I know of no one who is more capable of processing feedback and finding use and lesson in it, than you. And maybe, God willing, there is something here for you.
In Malacca, when you told me what your reaction (no matter how brief) was when I truthfully & logically told you that I had not had to deal with resumes in over 20 years and might not be of much help, and that I was also busy (which, for many people, they cannot imagine why a person like me .. retired and living a good life, would have any justifiable reason to be busy)... you thought that if I didn't want to help you, I should just say so and not give you such weak arsed excuses.
That really shook me. In my head, flashed all those times I helped you even when I was about ready to topple over with exhaustion. And virtually never once did I said no to you when you asked for any kind of assistance, even if it came at inconvenient times, or meant hours or days of my time to research, think, write out carefully whatever it was you asked. And also all the times when we sat down and talked and it was to do with some issue or other YOU had ... ... .... I felt so shocked and saddened because, to me, it meant:
1) all that effort and time and money or whatever ... it meant nothing to you and you didn't even remember how I worked so hard to give/find you answers with no benefit to myself and/or ...
2) if you did remember them, then all my past efforts were for nought in your mind and heart and/or ...
3) it is true, no matter how many times we show others we love and care for them, that struggle is endless ...we have to prove, time and time again, that very same thing. A losing battle, really. (Which is why I thought those comments about Alex's intentions re. Balex, were so very painful for Alex ... how, no matter how many endless times he had already come through for others, it was never enough. He had to be put to the test every time and his intentions questioned despite his remarkable history!!!)
Like I said, I was very shocked and saddened and hurt that you even entertained such a thought for even a moment because I thought I had proved to you, time and again, how I always answered your call for any kind of assistance whenever it was still humanly possible for me to do to. So ... that really did hurt.
But like I also said, whatever lesson therein lies here for both of us, mine was to free myself from my hurt. To try and walk the talk so to speak: that all emotions that arise in me ... it is I who cause them: in the way I think about them, in how I filter them, in the meanings I assign to them.
So you see, I know that the meanings I assigned (1, 2, 3 above) ... that is what caused my hurt. Not what you actually think or say about this topic, but my own meanings (guesses) I assigned to them.
So just like with Alex, where from knowing him and all his past behaviours with us, I knew he would only have good intentions (for another) and that is what I chose to think and believe (till and if I ever got confirmation from him. Which, in this instance, I did.)
And so it is with you, based on what I know of you and your history of only trying to be a better person and not ever intentionally harming another, I choose to believe that your words and thoughts had only the best of intents.
But as you also said and demonstrated to me, no matter how carefully we try to say things, our words "can still be received with resentment, frustration, and pain".
Your example of, "moh lor lay ker lui lay tat ngor (don't take your money and slam me)" is also appropriate here in our discussion. It is the recipient of this largesse who needs to change their filter/POV rather than the giver. It is their unhelpful way of looking at the situation that is giving them pain or offence; not the giver nor the giver's generosity - assigning such unworthy a hue onto someone's kindness of heart.
As for the giver, I think you said most rightly when you talked of "intent". As best we can, to ascribe the best intent to others (which is actually doing ourselves a favour). And to be clear in our own intent - because we can never know how others will take what we say/do, but we do have control of our own intents and herein lies our peace of mind.
