A whole lifetime and I still didn’t know why she would not, or could not, forgive me. I didn’t even know what it was I did wrong that needed her forgiving. It just felt that her unpredictable hostile behaviour was because she could not forgive me. Now that she is gone, the puzzle and the agony still would not give me peace
Last night I had a dream. And finally, more that half a century of bemused confusion, I think I now know why my mother, try as hard as she could, was often hostile and sometimes downright nasty to me.
I remember once in my pre-teen days, I listened to her and another talking about some women who were featured on some calendar. They seemed to be having such a good time talking about those women. It seemed to bond them. And yet they things they said were bitchy even though I was not old enough to realise that “bitchy” was that appropriate description. I just felt isolated from them while I wished I wasn’t. And yet, even then, I just had such a strong sense that the mean things they were saying was “not nice”. I could not partake not because I was judgemental or even understood what there was to be judgemental about – I just found I could not join them in their enjoyment. Even when I knew it made me even less lovable in my mother’s eye.
I remember that day, normal as anything without a single tense word amongst us, when we went to help out with some clearing up at the Subang house. Just me and X and mom. X was downstairs and I was upstairs with mom, helping her pack. Next thing, there is this inexplicable sizzle of coldness in the air and she sends me down to get X coz she wants a word with him. And must to my shock and I imagine to X’s amazement as well, my mom went off her nana. Even from downstairs I could hear her raise voice as she voiced something so inexplicable it took me till last night’s dream, 4-5 years down the track, to have an inkling why she was so angry over something so inexplicable.
The previous night, I had accompanied her up the stairs to make sure she was all right. I also shared with her what I found out just that day – that TS really was ill and not just pretending. That the poor girl had coughed up blood in the taxi. And worse, that it was not an uncommon thing. But mainly only known to herself and her husband.
I knew mom was having a hard time lately trying to curb her anger and impatience at her DIL. I thought that sharing this discovery with her would help her have more compassion and forbearance towards TS. I thought that because my mom had often shown kindness and compassion towards anyone in trouble or need, that knowing this, it would help her as well as TS. A win-win I thought. And mom listened and seem to take it well. I said my goodnight, and she looked thoughtful but good. So what she ranted the next day was totally inexplicable.
When I had sent X up to her as requested, she virtually shouted so loud that it didn’t matter I was no upstairs. I could still hear her clearly. And she was shouting to X, ranting that I should just go to TS and C. That if I was so “compassionate” a person, just “go to them, don’t stay around here … why don’t I just go go go”. She was angry and sick of me. And I didn’t know why. What triggered that outburst of anger. And even more sadly, that was not the first nor the last time she would have these inexplicable anger and even disgust at me.
Which brings me to my dream last night. I shall only relate the gist and the part of the dream which gave me my Aha revelation. It only took a few decades but at least I now think I have another part of the puzzle that was our relationship.
Towards the end of the dream, the child in the dream was going to be told something. Someone protested because a child would not understand all the complexities of what was going on. But another person (I think it was me) said that yes, but the child did not need to understand the complexities. A child would instinctively know at a truer level what was right and true. We all have that.
And that was the Aha moment.
We all have that – the knowing of what is right and true. And sometimes we really despise those who make us feel that we are off course, that we are being unjust, that we are being mean. We especially despise those who make us feel that way if we don’t want to know or acknowledge our own meanness.
Maybe me telling her about TS coughing up blood ate at her, inside. When she remember how mean and nasty her comments were about her. Maybe she knew this. And how conflicted and angry she must have felt. And how she must have resented me to be once again the “messenger” of her “wrong-doing”. And maybe that is why, though she was angry at me, she shortly after bought bottles of Chicken Essence for TS.
I see how these kinds of interactions peppered my relationship with my mom. X said to me just last year, shortly after her passing, that he too couldn’t understand why mom could not get pass being angry at me. Finally it makes more sense now.
I remember that day, normal as anything without a single tense word amongst us, when we went to help out with some clearing up at the Subang house. Just me and X and mom. X was downstairs and I was upstairs with mom, helping her pack. Next thing, there is this inexplicable sizzle of coldness in the air and she sends me down to get X coz she wants a word with him. And must to my shock and I imagine to X’s amazement as well, my mom went off her nana. Even from downstairs I could hear her raise voice as she voiced something so inexplicable it took me till last night’s dream, 4-5 years down the track, to have an inkling why she was so angry over something so inexplicable.
The previous night, I had accompanied her up the stairs to make sure she was all right. I also shared with her what I found out just that day – that TS really was ill and not just pretending. That the poor girl had coughed up blood in the taxi. And worse, that it was not an uncommon thing. But mainly only known to herself and her husband.
I knew mom was having a hard time lately trying to curb her anger and impatience at her DIL. I thought that sharing this discovery with her would help her have more compassion and forbearance towards TS. I thought that because my mom had often shown kindness and compassion towards anyone in trouble or need, that knowing this, it would help her as well as TS. A win-win I thought. And mom listened and seem to take it well. I said my goodnight, and she looked thoughtful but good. So what she ranted the next day was totally inexplicable.
When I had sent X up to her as requested, she virtually shouted so loud that it didn’t matter I was no upstairs. I could still hear her clearly. And she was shouting to X, ranting that I should just go to TS and C. That if I was so “compassionate” a person, just “go to them, don’t stay around here … why don’t I just go go go”. She was angry and sick of me. And I didn’t know why. What triggered that outburst of anger. And even more sadly, that was not the first nor the last time she would have these inexplicable anger and even disgust at me.
Which brings me to my dream last night. I shall only relate the gist and the part of the dream which gave me my Aha revelation. It only took a few decades but at least I now think I have another part of the puzzle that was our relationship.
Towards the end of the dream, the child in the dream was going to be told something. Someone protested because a child would not understand all the complexities of what was going on. But another person (I think it was me) said that yes, but the child did not need to understand the complexities. A child would instinctively know at a truer level what was right and true. We all have that.
And that was the Aha moment.
We all have that – the knowing of what is right and true. And sometimes we really despise those who make us feel that we are off course, that we are being unjust, that we are being mean. We especially despise those who make us feel that way if we don’t want to know or acknowledge our own meanness.
Maybe me telling her about TS coughing up blood ate at her, inside. When she remember how mean and nasty her comments were about her. Maybe she knew this. And how conflicted and angry she must have felt. And how she must have resented me to be once again the “messenger” of her “wrong-doing”. And maybe that is why, though she was angry at me, she shortly after bought bottles of Chicken Essence for TS.
I see how these kinds of interactions peppered my relationship with my mom. X said to me just last year, shortly after her passing, that he too couldn’t understand why mom could not get pass being angry at me. Finally it makes more sense now.
