Last night, when I was having my shower before bed, I shocked myself when I found my left hand slamming, hard, against the wall in sheer frustration at the age-old, painful tussle I was (mostly) unconsciously having about something(s) I remembered mom saying/doing to me. And the frustration, pain and hurt, and unvoiced anger, which I thought I had dealt with, came darkly up, carving the never-really-healed lines of pain in my psyche. And I continued to shock and disappoint myself when my other hand came up to also slam the wall because I was still dealing with the hard, stuck tumor of Unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness - a tumour and a bugbear I no longer want in me and in my life. Forgiveness - for so long now, is one of my biggest trial and challenge.
(Free Img Src: Pixabay)
心 (xīn):
The heart character signifies the emotional and mental core of the character, connecting forgiveness to empathy and understanding.
如 (rú): The "similar" character highlights the idea that we all share common human experiences and emotions, suggesting that we can relate to others' actions, even when they seem wrong.
恕 (shù): By combining these two characters, 恕 (shù) conveys the act of forgiving someone by understanding and empathizing with their perspective, rather than merely ignoring or forgetting their actions.
如 (rú): The "similar" character highlights the idea that we all share common human experiences and emotions, suggesting that we can relate to others' actions, even when they seem wrong.
恕 (shù): By combining these two characters, 恕 (shù) conveys the act of forgiving someone by understanding and empathizing with their perspective, rather than merely ignoring or forgetting their actions.
Prelude
Yesteday felt like a "promising" day - lots of spontaneous leaks (tears), unprovoked movements of the heart.
After my disturbing shower, I sat down in my studio and did Dr Joe's BOTEC meditation. But Nada. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to feel something, every center seemed unresponsive and still.
Went to bed.
Woke up, hearing these words repeatedly, "Helena Lim, you are a miracle". (Note the "Helena Lim" rather than just "Helena"!)
Forgiveness - Unforgiveness
Let me just say that after last night, I felt the disappointment and disturbance inside of me. I thought I had moved on, forgiven mom, found peace and love in its place. And then this bubbling up of all the darkness from younger days.
I thought I had dealt with most of my unforgiveness issues - with all the various people (via EFT). I know I did feel a good measure of peace from the EFT exercises (which extended over a number of days). But this couple of days past, I had a subterranean knowing that unforgiveness was the little dark lumps in my first 3 centers; especially 1 and 2. And I still don't know HOW to forgive.
Just a day or so ago, I listened to Gary Zukav's podcast on YouTube where he talked about forgiveness. It was good but not of much use to me. Because he covered WHY we would want to forgive. I already have that. Have had that "awakening" for years. I WANT to forgive. For every reason. For myself. For others. For physical health. For spiritual health. But I don't know HOW.
HOW? HOW? HOW?
So I found no answer via Gary Zukav for this issue.
And I felt the despair and anguish from my early dark years rising up again, last night, in the shower. I felt such anger. At myself. Internally beginning to curse. "For God's sake - she (mom) is already dead - will have been dead SEVEN years come this September, and yet I am still clinging onto (perceived) past wrongs. What the f**k is wrong with me?"
My Mother. The Conflict
Before I go on, let me just acknowledge that I do not hate mom. I love her. She is the one person I have loved the deepest. But she is also the one person from whom I have experienced the deepest, longest hurts. Made worse because she slashed out at me at times when I least deserved it. Seemingly randomly. Seemingly only motivated by sudden surges of anger or hatred at my existence.
Yet to her, I owe my life. Not just biological life but the life that allowed me to go overseas, get educated (or not), and make a life for myself. Was always there (financially if not emotionally) not just for me but for all my siblings. The person I most admire. The person who sacrificed endlessly and without complaint, for each and everyone of us. Even through every disappointment we shovelled on her. Even into our adulthood and her into old age - we still relied on her repeatedly and didn't balance the books - didn't repay her (financially) for all her endless hard work and sacrifices.
Yet to her, I owe my life. Not just biological life but the life that allowed me to go overseas, get educated (or not), and make a life for myself. Was always there (financially if not emotionally) not just for me but for all my siblings. The person I most admire. The person who sacrificed endlessly and without complaint, for each and everyone of us. Even through every disappointment we shovelled on her. Even into our adulthood and her into old age - we still relied on her repeatedly and didn't balance the books - didn't repay her (financially) for all her endless hard work and sacrifices.
And maybe in that confusion, lies the hook that hasn't let me go. The conflict between the depth of love and gratitude and admiration I have for her vs how to navigate the confusion of anger and scorn she heaped on me. And also, she always seemed to do it so out of the blue that each and every time, I was caught unprotected and off guard.
And now that she is not even physically alive anymore, the useless regret I have of having silenced myself over and over and over - uselessly having allowed myself to be stomped over, playing the marytr till I put myself in a cage; never being strong or brave (or inconsiderate) enough to have it openly out with her and find either resolution or complete family war. And now that she is dead, I am still not free. I still can't eject those dark, hard masses in my body - that materialises not just as the tumours in my belly, but in so many ways I don't want to talk about here.
And now that she is not even physically alive anymore, the useless regret I have of having silenced myself over and over and over - uselessly having allowed myself to be stomped over, playing the marytr till I put myself in a cage; never being strong or brave (or inconsiderate) enough to have it openly out with her and find either resolution or complete family war. And now that she is dead, I am still not free. I still can't eject those dark, hard masses in my body - that materialises not just as the tumours in my belly, but in so many ways I don't want to talk about here.
Where do I go from here? Where do I find the needed Guidance and Help?
This morning when I woke with those words, "Helena Lim, you are a miracle.", I initially didn't know what it meant or what it could refer to. Could it mean that the tumour had disappeared?
But even before I got out of bed, I think I got a (different) answer. It was like my mom was telling me:
You are a miracle because: (below, as if mom was saying these things to me)
But even before I got out of bed, I think I got a (different) answer. It was like my mom was telling me:
You are a miracle because: (below, as if mom was saying these things to me)
- "Even though I tried to abort you, you didn't die."
- "Even though you tried to commit suicide multiple times, you didn't die."
- "Even when the doctors thought you had a low chance of survival from the cancer, you didn't die. And that was 10 years ago."
- "And this time too, you will be a miracle"
- "Helena Lim, you are a miracle." (This was not in mom's voice! But I don't know whose...)
I honestly don't know what to think or feel about this - other than a bit numbed.
Anyway, for my morning mediation in bed, I did Dr Joe's "Changing Beliefs and Perceptions" (from POC), and a Breathwork meditation from his Inspire v2 collection. The "Changing Beliefs" is one of my least favourites because I have found it quite ineffective. This morning, it felt better than in previous attempts (at this meditation) but ultimately, I still don't think his technique of changing beliefs is very effective. (I find the NLP techniques much more effective.)
So after breakfast, I did NLP (Robert Diltz's) "Meta Mirror" technique.
Some movements forward but nothing earth shattering.
Now I am just going for my afternoon walk. Still feeling a bit buzzy, a bit lost, a bit surrendered.....
