Last night I was listening to a Dr Joe testimonial. And the lady said something that twanged in my head. Something like:
"It was me. .... If I could create a crap life, I could create a
MAGNIFICENT LIFE.
MAGNIFICENT LIFE.
This struck me for a number of reasons...
Yes, I have heard, from Dr Joe and others, that we create the circumstances of our lives. And yes, that I also created the cancer in my body. From chronic, unrelenting stress and/or from unresolved painful emotions.
Yes, Yes, Yes ... I accepted and knew all that, even before Dr Joe talked about it. And I thought a significant factor in this new round of "wake up" was to do with (still) unresolved emotions - specifically to do with my mom, and also directly tied to my long-running challenge of forgiveness (or rather, Unforgiveness) towards a number of people.
I grappled with this issue in my last post: "Mom - Forgiveness, for Heaven's Sake")
So there I was, thinking I was dealing with trying to release/clear underlying, limiting emotions that were holding me back and causing grief in my life (and body) and I thought I was on the right path especially since dealing with emotions is not matter-to-matter, as Dr Joe would say, right?
And yet, I was till finding it nigh impossible to "forgive". I want to; I desperately want to. For so long now. But no matter how I twist and turn and pivot and squint at the issues, I could not see a way clear so that I could find wisdom and peace, rather than the enduring sting of those memories.
I just didn't know how to think of a person and then not see/feel again in an involuntary instance, what they did/said. I quipped to myself to let it go and free myself. I tried. And tried. I flung it away; I blurred it; I washed it away with all the love I could; I internally rationalised with myself and them; I remembered all the kind things they had done for me; I put myself in their shoes; I made repeated endless reasons and excuses for them; I prayed for divine intervention to take it all away; I included them in rainbow bubbles of light, ..... on and on. And they still come back, like stinging burrs.
Even when I love them, I could not forgive them - if forgiving means I can think of what happened and not feel the angry sting of it. Dr Joe said something about forgiveness being the gaining of wisdom: when you think of what happend, you do not feel the sting of it anymore and you only retain the wisdom from that past event. Well, I just couldn't get there ...
Then ...
... last night, when the lady talked about having created a crap life and the realisation that she could also create a magnificent life ...
I was suddently struck with the thought:
I CREATED IT ALL!!!
ALL of it! I don't mean just the POV, or the perspective I took, or that my pains were due solely to my perceptions. I mean I created it all - the events, what was done and said, maybe even the people, and certainly the pain - lingering and otherwise.
Right now, I cannot explain all this in rational, logical terms. I cannot answer any intellect-driven questions like, "what about rape victims, or babies ... did THEY create it all to themselves too?" I cannot answer any of those questions because right now, to me, they are distractions to what is happening inside. And I am just beginning to process and assimilate the message that has been sent to help me.
This is just the day after. Maybe it is too soon to make all-knowing declarations. All I know is that there was that elusive aha, the feeling inside of something finally doing a little/big click, the sensation of even some release and freedom. And the weirdiest sensation of not quite being able to not forgive my mom for the many-many whatevers, because I CREATED THEM ALL.
And even the other people who I have had such a hard time in forgiving. Those experiences were of course milder because mom was the person I loved the most and the longest. Also weirdly, I catch myself even thinking of trump .. without the normal bitter scorn and disdain I normally felt when I thought of him.
My brain is still caught in the whirl of woohooing and simultaneously feeling wobbly-kneed at all the implications within the fact that I created it all. What then ... moving forward?
Acceptance
And like some brilliant chess move, the Universe brings to me the next video to watch. Also last night. From Asha Nayaswami (whom I only first "discovered" from the night before): "Why Acceptance Frees You More than Forgiveness".
As I write this, I am only now remembering how, was it yesterday or the day before?, where I was on the beach looking up for some divine help and asking for some help please, on how to find the path to forgiveness I so desired and needed. So ... the Universe is answering!!!
Asha Nayaswami gives a different POV and take on Forgiveness.
- The normal forgiveness often feels like we are magnanimous while the person we are forgiving is still a jerk. It is hard to forgive then because we are feeling (1) forced (to be magnanimous), but (2) we still believe in our hearts and minds that they are still jerks.
- The reason, often, why we feel that we have to forgive others, is that they have failed to live up to our expectations. And really, all our expectations are fantasies that we made up and expect others to somehow fulfill or fall in line with.
So Asha proposes that Acceptance (of the way they are) is better than expecting them to fulfill our fantasies which leads us to having to learn how to forgive them when they don't live up to our expectations.
Asha says that Acceptance is better and "more dynamic" than Forgiveness because Forgiveness still involves the other person. You are still caught up with concepts of who they are and who they should be. That to be able to move on in our lives, we need to just accept things/people "as they are". And Acceptance is like, "Sun rises in the east". "Acceptance is just a flow of energy."
