In my earlier post, "H-symbol! Sign! Feedback!!", I mentioned that I had a "wee upset" with Pete that resulted in an unexpected but amazing, eye-opening walk on the beach yesterday.
And last night/this morning, in a semi-dream-state, I had a it-should-have-been-obvious-but-was-not self-realization.
I had been playing the role of "the aggrieved", "the injured", in huge if not whole chunks of my life! And I had thought I was often the hero or martyr - someone who had been objectively wrongly done by!!!
Turns out, it was me all along??
I Must Change
I had noted this in an earlier post ("Showing up for Yourself"). It is one of Dr Joe's frequent sayings.
Well, we are talking about a biggie here. An identity change.
Until this latest realization, I had thought and felt that (most of the time) I was the injured party and especially after all I had sacrificed or done for so and so. So, looking back, I realised that was like my identity - the kind of person I was (long suffering). I also now realise how much that was at the root of so much of my suffering: thinking that way. Thinking I had given and they had taken, and taken unfairly. That I was often wronged, unfairly treated, insufficiently regarded. Despite everthing I had done for them.
That was what the wee upset with Pete had been about. Not that he was right but the upset was in my mind because I felt that once again, I was the injured party.
That feeling/thinking was also the cause of my latest (and biggest) upset with my brothers - feeling injured that they were not caring enough to me when I was in such distress.
That thinking/feeling was the cause and bane of my most problematic and long-lasting issues with mom.
Same with others who (I felt) had unfairly hurt me and did me wrong. (And I had been trying unsuccessfully (till the recent rounds of EFT) to forgive.)
In each case, I was the injured party. The wronged. The aggrieved. That was me. And I wanted the world to see me that way. That, unbeknownst to me, was my self-imposed identity.
And I didn't even realise I was playing that role; moulding myself and my feelings into matching that role/identity. Repeating those scenarios over and over again in my mind till they were so much a part of me that I could not see that I was doing that to myself. Not their behaviours - but the suffering I derived from me believing that they were doing that to me.
No more!!
I am not the injured. I am not the aggrieved.
It is a choice. And I choose to be aware of this. Be mindful.
With the "wee upset" with Pete - he can be in the wrong or in the right. But I have the choice to see that situation not as an injury to myself but rather as an opportunity for me to do something for and by myself. And as it turned out, it was the best thing for me.
And as to my brothers - maybe they are a bit selfish or uncaring. I honestly don't know. If they are, they are. That is not my doing or in my control. I am not the injured; but I am a learner. And an adapter. I can adapt that situation so that it benefits me. And I did. I withdrew a lot of my energy from them (in terms of worry or concerns and time) and spent them on me and caring for me and finding new avenues of strength and learning to help myself heal, be stronger, be more whole.
So I am allowed to feel hurt and feel injured, but I am not The Injured. That is not my identity. Anymore.
