I have been waking up happy and good in recent mornings. Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling aches and pains and feeling sluggish and heavy in my body. And the aches and pains persisted. And my doubts started to come back, again and again.
And I started wondering: "What if I am wrong? Have I made the right decision?"
Should I go the conventional route? Ring up the oncologist and schedule the surgery and chemo, etc etc. Is that what my body is telling me.
So for more than 24 hours now, there has been a conflict in my body and my consciousness. I am no longer sure of my decision: do I trust my body to be able to heal itself (with the help of teachings from Dr Joe, Chunyi Lin, Tai Chi, EFT, etc) ... or should I go with the conventional doctors, like I did the first time?
On 25 Feb 2025, I spoke to Dr Rosie McBain, PeterMac re. my decision to not have any treatment for the next 3 months. Then on the 28th Feb, I spoke to my usual oncologist, Dr Rachel Delahunty. They both asked me why. And I didn't have an articulate, reasoned out answer for them. I didn't have one for myself.
I couldn't even claim I felt a deep need to take the route of no treatment. But yet, I couldn't stop myself nor could I stop myself from feeling happy about it.
Till yesterday morning. And the battle with the doubts began.
Was I being too up on myself? Was I sticking to my no-surgery-chemo decision because I wanted to be right? My ego wanted to be right? Did I really believe I was on the right path? Did I really believe I would become cancer free, for life, via this route?
And what if I was wrong?
And so the to and fro, and to and fro. From moments of clarity when I felt strong. So strong that even if my decision was wrong, it was still right because since I decided, my life and my health and my body has been feeling better and happier and stronger. So that even if I did die from this decision, I already had a chance to enjoy a period of time when I felt better than I have had for years. In myself and in resolving some inner relationship issues I never fully dealt with. Therefore whether physical life cease at the end of this experimental decision or not, I already had a massive win. And so ipso facto, the decision was right.
But then the pains started: lower back, lower belly, mid abdomen, thighs. And I wonder, is my body trying to warn me? Also, since I started with all the meditations, I have strangling pains across my shoulders and up my neck, EVERY TIME, when I meditate. Surely it should be the reverse? Or it should be easing up? So because it hasn't (even after "talking to the parts", and doing EFT), my doubts have grown?
I think I should have a "talk" with my body here on this page. But before I do that, there are 2 observations and "messages" that have come through from last night and in this morning's meditations:
1) They asked Why I had chosen to have no treatment for the next 3 months?
More specifically, to myself, it is of course more than just 3 months because I hope never ever having this disease in me again.
But here is the clarification that came through in my mind.
Almost 10 years ago, in 2015, I went the conventional route. Looking back, I don't think I had much choice in that I was in too much shock. It was a roller coaster and everything happened fast. They probably didn't give me high hopes of having a long life. So it has been great - miraculous even - that I have survived so long and survived so well.
But looking back, the fear of the disease became my daily companion; always there, always not far from churning up fear and shakiness. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I tried to do better. For myself. I definitely received the gift of Wanting to Live for perhaps the first time in my life. But the price was that no matter that I read up about it and alternative therapies, food and diet, mental strategies, etc. .... I always was in the position that if it ever came back, there was nothing I could do to prevent that. Each test and scan, each oncologist visit was a breath-held event that brought a short period of relief that the results were still clear. And if it came back, as I now fear the doctors always expected, then I would have to undergo the knife and chemo again.
And that meant, I really had no control.
I had no control about whether the disease came back, I have no control over what the scans and tests would show, I have no control as to whether the surgeries would be successful, I have no control over what side effects could result, I have no control over how my body would react this time to the chemo.
But what is the worst aspect of going the conventional medical route again is that, the future was going to be, at best, like the past: every day would be a day of holding off fear. And that is so draining.
BUT if this method worked for me ... if I can do it as so many have done and they cured themselves ... and as in Dr Joe's method, there is an understanding and methodology to it, then I don't need to live in fear because it means that I believe and I have the know-how on how to go to that energy field to correct, heal, reset.
So that is why I really want the non-surgery/chemo route to work for me. I want to know how to heal and soothe and BE me, from the inside. In clarity, and faith.
2) Jesus answers my, "Am I on the wrong path? "
So ... in my mind (and heart), Jesus was with me this morning in my Small Universe meditation. And His answer to me was that I would know the answer today. For sure.
So I am living today, as best I can, wondering what sure answer I will get today.
Talking to my Body
Me:
Dear Body, I don't know if you are trying to message me via these bodily pains. I find them worrisome and I cannot imagine that they are pleasant for you. If you are indeed trying to pass me a message or tell me something, please are you willing to come and talk to me now?
Body:
I feel so angry. And betrayed. You are taking all control away from me and giving it to your mind and spirit. I just want you to suffer a bit and not ignore me. I have taken care of you for years. You have abused me for years and I was always able to rally and be there for you. Through all the years of insufficient sleep, of pushing to study beyond endurance, of ignoring pains, of taking on your depression and you trying to kill me off, of suffering your heart aches, of your incessant smoking. I have been there. And now it is like I don't matter: only your brain, mind, energy, higher self, ... and that your body, me, we are the dense matter .. like stupid matter, like clots of clay, that you are trying to transcend. Of course I am angry. And betrayed.
Me:
I am so so so sorry. I did not mean for you to feel this. Of course you matter. It is because you matter so much that I am trying not just to stay alive, but to have an easier life. A life without the body disease, the putting in of poisonous chemicals in an attempt to kill off a part of body matter that threatens your well being and mine.
I hear you though. I can see what you mean. And I can understand why you are so angry. And why you feel so betrayed.
But I am trying to find the best part forward. Not just for now, but for all the time we have left on this physical plane. And that physical plane is where you are most concerned with. I don't want my body - you - to suffer more maiming, more open surgeries, more invasive procedures, more stress because we have lived so much in fear already. I don't want to put more poisons into you/me ... in the hopes, but without certainty, that they can save us. I don't want you/me to suffer more neurological damage.
I want what is best for us both. But I cannot do this without you. If I have not been aware enough or conscious enough or grateful enough to you, I so sincerely apologise, with all of my heart (which is also yours ❤️ ).
Obviously I seem to be embarking on a journey that has much to do with the mind, but really it is more to do with energy. And you and I are energy, that is inescapable. And the aches and pains you are bringing forth is to alert and remind me that I am not alone in this, and that you are not excluded in the process. And I need to be more aware and mindful of that. Because I want and need you along. You are not just physical matter and not just the three lower energy centres, you are also my Heart, my brain and mind, my throat and my abilities to convey meaning in speech. You are also my pathway to the higher realms and into the mystical realm.
I want us to do this together. In fact, we have to do this together if we are to succeed. I want you to feel included, because you are. We have been together, every second, every day, since we were born. We cannot be separated. But we can be united. Please let me know how and what it will take for you to feel included ... and more than included, that you are essential because you are. I want to save you/me. I want us to be happier, healthier, stronger, more connected and contented, more abundant and peaceful, and safe, and joyful than we have ever been. Please tell me how I can help make you feel you are ESSENTIAL and DESIRED on this journey. Together. Because you ARE Essential & Desired. I literally cannot do it without you.
Body:
I am matter. And I am also Energy. So I cannot not be a part of your journey. And I too want to feel whole and healthy and fit and well and Alive. I want to be on this journey. I have so much to offer. I was given innate intelligence that literally keeps me and you alive and functioning. I have the equipment and "factory" to produce the hormones and chemicals to make both of us so much more than we are.
So please don't leave me out. Just think of and remember me. Not as just dense matter that has to be conquered and overcome, but as an ally, a friend, a powerful and understanding partner.
And yes, I may at times try to signal you alerts and messages via sensations in the body. And the better we know each other and the clearer the communications between us, the clearer the significance of those messages will be.
Me:
Thank you. I will hold you in mind and consciousness. With love and gratitude. And also, awe.
And if I may, what is the significance of this tumour they think they have detected and think it is a recurrence?
Body:
As you have shown you already know in your past writings, this is a wake up call. Because you were drifting back into indifference and the lost path. And this is the final call, because we either answer fully this time or our time would have run out.
Whether it is a real tumour and a recurrence, ... perhaps that is not the most important thing, don't you think?
Look at the benefits it has already brought you. I will do my part. Know I am with you, keep me in mind for in my very "dense matter" (ha ha) also lies our divinity. I am with you always. (And you know you have heard this many times before.)
❤️❤️❤️
Generous Present Moment meditation
About 10:30 pm, I went into Dr Joe's Generous Present Moment meditation. Yes, there were still aches and pains, especially across my neck and shoulders. Present but maybe a little less than it has been. And each time, I took that as a sign from my body and I acknowledge it, with gratitude. That is was there with me. I even invited my body to amp up the pain if it wanted to. But it didn't.
This is the first mediation where I felt I had a friend and partner along together with me: my body! And it felt so much less lonely. I didn't even know I had been lonely! But now I have a friend.
And for the first time, the meditation was over faster than I expected. I almost did it again. But the inner voice said, no. Time to move on.
❤️❤️❤️
