I started reflecting on my (lack of) beliefs and doubts in my last post. However, as the day progresses, I realise that they (my doubts) are still bothering me.
I think, in particular, my "convincers".
I am listening to testimonials every day. It seems that some of them have doubts, sure. But more generally, it seems to me that many are (comparatively) easily convinced (that Dr Joe's meditations) will work for them.
I have listened to over 90 testimonials so far and still I find the skeptic, quite alive, in my heart. Why is it so hard to convince me? And is there a way I can be more easily convinced? I seem to need so many convincers before I believe. (Some of the testifiers became convinced when they heard/read that there was scientific proof behind Dr Joe's methods. Why is that insufficient for me?) Because I do want to be convinced. Right now, I feel as if I am bumping up against this invisible buffer inside of me that is hampering forward progress.
Which is quite bothersome. Because I listen to many of the testifiers who say things like, "they went all in" and they did many meditations. And here I am feeling I am still not doing enough. And yet what I am doing is so much more (more than 1 Dr Joe meditations a day; more and more 2-3 times a day. Including listening to testimonials, diligently doing the POC online, buying and reading his books, buying and working with multiple audio meditations) than they because many of them seem so certain that they were doing enough when they had practised meditations just once or twice a day.
Why are they convinced they are doing enough and I feel I am still not doing enough?
Interesting.
I thought I had doubts about Dr Joe's work and meditations and as to whether they would work (generally as well as wrt to me specifically). However it seems, as I write this out, that I have doubts about whether I am doing enough to make it work!!! I didn't expect this POV!!!
I have unearthed a doubt I didn't see coming!
Doubt: Am I doing Enough?
Me: Obviously my first question for this doubt is, enough for what?
Doubt:
Do enough to have a miraculous healing as per the testimonials. Or to have a mystical experience. Or to be free of cancer altogether.
Me: I suspect that I will never be able to do enough to be free of this doubt. Like, how much or what would I have to do to convince myself that I have done enough to deserve a mystical experience, and/or have a miraculous healing, and/or be totally free of cancer for good?
Doubt:
I suspect you are right. You will never be able to do enough to remove me.
Me: But what is your highest intention towards me? What is the purpose of you doubting?
Doubt: ---
(all I am getting is a mix of haphazard images and memories and mom's voice and face saying I am doing [anything/whatever] because I want attention. So she says, "don't pay attention to her".)
Me: So, what is your highest intention toward me?
Doubt:
To protect you, of course. Because as long as you can't do it, "they" cannot say that you are doing it only for the attention. When you are a failure, no one says you are doing it for the attention. It is only when you are "too smart" or "successful" that they will say nasty things like that.
Me: So as long as you doubt, you will hamper me, and that will likely mean I won't succeed. And if I don't succeed, then "they" will not be able to hurt me with their words?
Doubt: Yup.
Me: So if I don't succeed in healing myself, it will likely mean I will die from the cancer or complications in surgery or chemo, etc. Right? Hmmm.....
Do you think that mom was correct when she accused me of "only wanting attention" - specifically you are referring to that incident with Sook San and the watch, right?
Doubt:
Yes, that incident in particular.
And no, she was incorrect. She was just being nasty. (Her own demons.)
Me: Do you think where she is now (on the other side) that she KNOWS I was not seeking undue attention then?
Doubt: Yes
Me: And do you think where she is now (on the other side) that she KNOWS FOR SURE I am now not seeking for attention; rather that I am seeking for a better, healthier, happier, more whole version of myself. You think she knows this now?
Doubt: Yes.
Me: So even she wouldn't accuse me now of attention seeking?
Doubt: No, she would not.
Me: So if you didn't keep on doubting that what I am doing is not enough, that might actually save my life?
Doubt: Yes
Me: So if you chose not to doubt but rather to BELIEVE that what I am doing is on track and enough, that that would actually increase your chances of protecting me?
Doubt: Yes
Me: So if you started believing that what I am doing is good and enough, and we started working together, we have a good good chance of protecting me/us?
Doubt: Yes
Me: So what would it take for you to start believing that what I do is on track and enough?
Doubt: ---- ---- ----
Me: Is what I am doing now on track? Is what I am doing enough? Enough to get some possible remarkable results - whatever they turn out to be?
Ans (formerly doubt): Yes, I think so.
