This post comes as a result of some inner work over the past many days and weeks. Of that inner work, one of them is the Small Universe meditation by Chunyi Lin.
I bought his CDs (Spring Forest QiCong) some years ago (almost 10). I bought it for the QiCong (which I didn't get into) and in that pack was also included the Small Universe meditation.
I didn't take to it. Then.
But this time round, with my latest "wake up call", it has popped up again by "coincidence". I am taking to it because the things I am doing this time round seem to be surprisingly dove-tailing. It is a surprise. Or is this part of the magical synchronicity?
In the Small Universe Meditation (SUM), one of the centers is at the tail bone. (See Small Universe Meditation - Chunyi Lin explanation). That center is directly linked to ovarian cancer.
And when I do the meditation, I see the center is Pink. (I haven't read of that anywhere else so I have no idea if that is the same for anyone else.) And to me, it is associated to Female Energies, the females in my life, the colour Pink ... which in turn looks a bit like a Heart 💗 (the energy center).
And the more I do the SUM and more of Dr Joe's work (mainly from POC - Progressive Online Course), and other related videos/articles/books that "coincidentally" appear in my life right now, the more I am realising I have been mistaken about some things.
For most of my life, up to a couple of days ago, I would have said that I don't get along with females. I prefer male energy. I prefer male company. In fact, I then to shun female friendships.
Why? I think because of mom and sis. I remember the first time it occurred to me that females are not very nice people was when I was very young (maybe 9 or 10). And being desperate for mom's attention, love, and approval, what I observed made me very sad and scared.
Sad because no matter how much I felt I needed my mother's affections, I believed that would never be possible because I could not become the person she wanted and approved of. And that person was someone like my sister.
Scared because I saw them both laughing and sneering over some female (probably bikini clad or in some skimpy cozzie) featured in those types of monthly tear-off calendars. And to me, even at that age, it seemed so bitchy and unjustified. And I wished I could be more like them, and be able to join in, and be accepted. And it was not righteous indignation or moral superiority that prevented me (because then, I had no conscious concept of such things) ... but the inner realisation that I couldn't do it. And because of that, my mother would never love me nor accept me. And that all females are dangerous and untrustworthy. (And that is how I formed those damaging beliefs.)
Now, this time round, I am realising more and more that ovarian cancer is closely related to the "female" aspects in more than just the physical organs. Ironically of course that the female aspects in everything are the very things and people and parts I least trust.
However as I look back and look around now, I realise I have been wrong all along.
Recently, when my apple cart looked as if it was being overturned and even breaking apart (when informed that the cancer had recurred) ... I looked to my family; meaning mainly my brothers. I thought I was closest to them. I thought I could find support and comfort from them. I thought they loved me or at the very least, appreciated all the time and effort over the years I had freely given to them.
But I was very disappointed. I have only 3 remaining brothers and every one was a disappointment. I was shocked and shaken and very much saddened.
BUT ... my sister, who I didn't feel I was that close to and even though in recent years our relationship has been so much better and I appreciate her so much more than I did when we were children; yet our history is fraught with past misunderstandings and aggravations.
However she was there for me. She seemed to understand. And she gave me support and love. Unexpected and all the more appreciated.
Then as I continued to look around, especially last night when things seem to get even clearer (could even have been part of the messages I was getting in a group of joined dreams last night), I realise the majority of my friends are females. And they have been around for a very long time. Decades. And they have extended comfort and love not just now but always.
There is Christine of course who was an unexpected star the first time round and never ceased to be. And Yim Seong.
And Beverly, my soul mother, who healed so much of my self-worth issues.
And Dee who never ceases to profess love despite the years in-between and is always there, extending love and comfort.
And Neva, Caroline, Melisse, Ange. And my sis. And my beloved grandma (Ah Ma). And even mom .... the complexity of our relationship only makes it richer. And Yee Ma, and Tai Yee, and Wah Piew. And then this time round, Sook Fun, Sook San, Heym. Everyone of them females and each playing a part in my healing.
Of course, I have male friends. Afterall, my very best friend is Peter. My rock, solace, hero, support, and role model in so many ways. But my female friends dominate. And I didn't even realise it, much less appreciate the power of their presence.
And this may seem obvious now, but I also only just realised that the first time round, I was at the Royal WOMEN Hospital and surround by a whole host of angels ... who are all FEMALES!!! (Except for one or 2 who I only saw once, each). Why that wasn't obvious to me before, I don't know.
And last but surely not least... is myself.
When I was young (6 or 7), I developed this desire that I would be so much happier being a boy - never having to grow up and put on a top or wear cumbersome bras and skirts. I wanted to be a boy. But of course that was not possible and I just resigned myself to that fact. And as a "consolation", I chose to prefer the company of males.
So in a deep sense, I rejected the female in me. Not the sexual aspects as in flirting etc. ... which was more a dysfunctional attempt to obtain security and acceptance I felt I could never have from mom and females in general, but deep inside. I didn't feel like a male but I didn't like females. Which surely must have included myself.
So, I was like a house divided; a woman disconnected; a girl interrupted. And from that sense, it is not surprisingly about the type of cancer the body produced.
And why female energies and accepting that in me must be a large part in my healing to be Whole. Like I said it the "Showing up for yourself" post,
If I Change, then I will Heal
and that Change involves accepting, embracing, and rejoicing in the female aspects and energies within myself, and loving, appreciating, acknowledging all the female friends all around me.
