I asked for dreams and guidance to help me get better and more healed before sleep last night.
I dreamt of Xavier and Alex. Was in a (dream) mix of Subang/sg besi home. They upset me because they were talking about something but when I asked, they behaved shady-like, smirked, and didn't answer me. I got upset and angry and told them off. Woke upset.
MESSAGE:
it is best and most healthful for me to let Alex and Xavier go; mentally and emotionally. Especially right now when I want to be in accelerated healing mode and for me, they are barbs in my sides in terms of disappointment, sadness, and anger. I also realise I have to let go of feeling that I need to worry about their health, happiness, and well being. Their health is not my responsibility. So I did some rounds of EFT to let them go, emotionally and mentally; filling the spaces they used to occupy with peace and light and healing and joy and courage and God and the Universe.
This after I was struck by the realization that I took on this worry over them as if it was my responsibility to (show) I cared. And I realise that it may have come about in my early (childhood) relationship with mom.
Somewhere in the desperate need to get mom's love and approval, I "figured" that the only way mom would like me and spend time with me was when I was there for her: to listen to her complaints about the others or dad. That was my "winning" formula and pathetic as it was, that seemed to be my only formula at the time.
Somehow I must have internalised that to a large extent especially in regards to my family. Not that I don't care about my siblings (especially the brothers as I wrongly believed for so long that I had zero affinity with females), but the wholesome caring was all contaminated by my (largely unconscious, till now) need to be loved/wanted/accepted. It was as if I was operating on a hidden and ultimately destructive agenda that if I didn't (show) I cared for them, then they wouldn't be there for me.
So this latest wake-up call has been in a painful but needful one, even on this issue alone. That despite all the years of (showing) I cared for them and was there for them, they once again failed to be there for me when I really needed them, even when literally dealing with life and death. So my "formula" or strategy obviously doesn't work.
I need to let my need of them to accept me go. All I need is to love myself. That in itself is enough; more than enough. I love and accept myself so much that I can choose to care for them or not. It will not ever be again because I need their approval.
