Yesterday was the day I was to make my decision (yes/no to surgery &/or chemo) re. C-recurrence.It was to be at PeterMac, Melb with Rosie at 10:30am. So we had to leave the house by 6am.
I awoke at 3:30am (alarm was set for 4am) and I did a series of meditations in bed. One of them involved me setting a clear intention.
I thought, in less than 24 hours, no matter what, I will be home. And I envisaged and then stepped into 'myself' at the end of the day, when all the travel, talks, discussions, and decisions had been taken. And I saw/felt myself, in bed, feeling gratitude and thankful for a very good and wonderful day; feeling at peace and filled with joy and gratitude.
Of course, I hoped that the tumour and any other related health challenge had magically disappeared and the surgeon oncologist (Rosie) would tell me so. But I didn't really see any way that could happen - not for this appointment as she would already have my CT scan results from 13 May, in hand.
And even though what I put out into the universe during my morning meditation, for me at the end of the day to be feeling so happy and full of gratitude and repeating thanks for a wonderful day, was on the surface of things, not the most probable ... that was still my intention and what I envisaged and felt as the 'future me' at the end of the day.
The seemingly real & valid obstacles that would likely prevent me from achieving and experiencing my good day were:
- it was a day to decide on surgery (and chemo) ... or not. And all that might involve. Including more bad news (as had happened in the past).
- the weather forecast said that a storm front was coming our way. And from the night before, the rains had started. So it looked bleak.
- we had to start very early from home. 6am may not seem very early but at this time of year, it is still dark and not only is the journey long (4 hours from front door to hospital), but for most of the way, it is extremely twisty with many, many bends and sharp curves. And due to the forecast oncoming rains and possible storm and from the rains last night, the roads could well be (and were) somewhat littered with dangerous fallen trees and branches.
- and Pete is not happy driving in the dark anymore
- and we had to bring rain coats, brollies, and be fully bundled up against the cold because the trip involves car, train, and tram each way. Small things to complain about I know ... but all with some measure of stress, on top of everything else.
In short, it held all the portents of a bleak day on many fronts.
But I ended the day, after almost 12 hours away from home, sitting in bed with a smile on my face. And so much gratitude in my heart. What seemed like an impossibility or at least, a very improbable wish fulfilment, had actually come through.
I made my decision when I was with my surgeon oncologist: to go ahead with surgery.
What I thought would be her reaction, she surprised me instead. She seemed at peace with me having taken 3 months off from her last recommendation of immediate surgery/chemo. She seemed very understanding and supportive (though we didn't talk about my "3-months retreat" into the works of Dr Joe), and much to my surprise, she not only set the surgery day 3+ weeks away (I had thought she was going to whisk me almost immediately into surgery), she even reassured me that at any time, between now and then, if I changed my mind, that was ok. Only for me to let them know with sufficient notice if I decided against surgery. She said that she could see I was very strong and clear minded and I knew what was happening and what my health needed. We even hugged. ❤️
There was more to our discussion and possible complications and needed requirements and other appointments that I will need prior to the surgery but no need here to go into the details.
So the reaction from the surgeon was a blessing and something to be very much grateful for.
After a number of other tests, we left the hospital to drenched roads but no falling rain. Another blessing.
We accidentally found a wonderful, small Japanese restaurant where we had a most yummy lunch. And it rained while we ate. Then when we left the restaurant, the rains had stopped. Blessing x2!
On the rest of our journey home, the skies stayed dry till we actually got home!
So I ended the day on a very high high. Feeling very blessed and most of all, very at peace.
In one of his talks, Dr Joe mentioned that one of the worst pains we can face, it is that of indecision. (Which is what he went through those many years ago, just after his accident in 1986.) And he is right: the indecision of the last few months have not been easy. Acceptance is easier in word and theory than it is in practice ... until it happens. And when it happens, that too is a huge blessing. After so much inner struggle, it is more like divine grace rather than intellectual decision. It is not resignation; it does however bring blessed peace.
But sometimes, it is nigh impossible to not be indecisive when we just cannot be clear of fear, no matter which way we turn. And while I know I may well have more indecisions to ride through, I am thankful right now to have Peace even though I have decided to go on the path I least wanted: surgery.
It may not seem so to others, but for me, yesterday was pure manifestation even when I thought it couldn't happen. It wasn't what I hoped or wanted (the removal of all disease) ... but was perhaps more vital and important: the strength and peace and calmness that I didn't think would come my way when this whole journey started up (again) at the beginning of this year.
And while I am not calling myself 'enlightened', I recall yet again and appreciate the Zen quote:
"Before Enlightenment chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment chop wood, carry water".
After enlightenment chop wood, carry water".
Wishing you all Peace.
P/S: There are so many more blessings I have not mentioned here; not from their lack of importance but almost because they are always SO important. One of them being so every grateful for the blessing of someone like Pete in my life.
