Today is my birthday and I woke up to a lovely greeting from Heymala. But also what seems to me to be a cry of the heart and a cry for help.
I enclose her message below.
Hi Helena,
My dear friend of many decades. I wish you a very happy day today, your 65th birthday. I can't imagine what beautiful food you will cook on this day but I bet it will be scrumptious. May you and Pete live happily and long together. 💜
Please indulge me a little as I explain my situation and my thinking at the moment.
It's the kidney failure at the age of 8 that has caused all the other side effects. Needing dialysis has its positives and negatives. It is the thing that keeps me alive, which is also the thing that nearly kills me each time. The stress my body goes through each dialysis session is so ardous. At the same time, as the machine removes the toxins from my blood, it also removes the good stuff as well. Plus, having had the illness since I was 8 has also damaged other organs over time. The toxic blood going through all my tissues over so many years has caused a lot of complications for my body. I don't have just one thing wrong. There are many other issues as well as the doctors have mentioned to me, "You are complicated."
I asked them the other day, "Why do you keep patching me up so many times? Why not just let me go?"🙏🏽 I miss my Rick so much. His 2nd anniversary is on 18th April.....Good Fri. I am having my annual afternoon tea with family and friends on Sat, 18th April.
Finances are very tight since I still have a big mortgage, although I live in an expensive apartment. The sensible thing would be to sell my 3 bedroom penthouse and buy a smaller 2 bedroom unit. I just can't bring myself to do that.
All our happy memories are here and at every corner I turn, I see a memory of Rick. It was here we were the happiest. People say memories are in your heart but they are in this place as well. This is my safe place. I am not asking you for any answers. I am just pouring my heart out to you. Sleep does not come easily to me.
Love you always🌈🩷🦋
Heym
My dear friend of many decades. I wish you a very happy day today, your 65th birthday. I can't imagine what beautiful food you will cook on this day but I bet it will be scrumptious. May you and Pete live happily and long together. 💜
Please indulge me a little as I explain my situation and my thinking at the moment.
It's the kidney failure at the age of 8 that has caused all the other side effects. Needing dialysis has its positives and negatives. It is the thing that keeps me alive, which is also the thing that nearly kills me each time. The stress my body goes through each dialysis session is so ardous. At the same time, as the machine removes the toxins from my blood, it also removes the good stuff as well. Plus, having had the illness since I was 8 has also damaged other organs over time. The toxic blood going through all my tissues over so many years has caused a lot of complications for my body. I don't have just one thing wrong. There are many other issues as well as the doctors have mentioned to me, "You are complicated."
I asked them the other day, "Why do you keep patching me up so many times? Why not just let me go?"🙏🏽 I miss my Rick so much. His 2nd anniversary is on 18th April.....Good Fri. I am having my annual afternoon tea with family and friends on Sat, 18th April.
Finances are very tight since I still have a big mortgage, although I live in an expensive apartment. The sensible thing would be to sell my 3 bedroom penthouse and buy a smaller 2 bedroom unit. I just can't bring myself to do that.
All our happy memories are here and at every corner I turn, I see a memory of Rick. It was here we were the happiest. People say memories are in your heart but they are in this place as well. This is my safe place. I am not asking you for any answers. I am just pouring my heart out to you. Sleep does not come easily to me.
Love you always🌈🩷🦋
Heym
🙏 And I write and record my reply here. I write to her with a clear intent that though I don't have any answers that I know will work for her and I don't know if she will even hear or want to hear what I have to say, yet I hope that this pointer will be the right one for her and that she will be helped in some way.
My dearest Heym,
Thank you so much for your lovely birthday wishes and for remembering - even in the midst of your own challenges. And also, thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart with me.
You are quite correct, I don't have any sure answers for you. I do feel for you because what you are going through and what you have gone through is so very, very hard. You are amazing and strong to still be in such a clear mind and even spirit, in spite of it all.
I know you still miss Rick terribly. Even more so with every challenge you face. You have incredible strength in you. But it is only human to miss someone who has been the closest human and love in your life for so many years. And in your situation, it must be so many times harder. And while I cannot know exactly how you feel, I can well imagine how devastated and bereft I would feel in your position.
We have discussed Dr Joe before briefly. I hope you don't think I am advocating him because he deals with cases like yours (spine related). His work is so much more than that. While I have no answers for you that will take away your suffering, both physical and emotional, I do want to mention him again because he is the only direction I can think of that might be able to give you some relief, believe it or not.
But first, please indugle me a little in listening to what I have been going through. It is not a comparison to your situation nor can it ever be. But nonetheless, it has been life or death to me.
As you may or may not know, the C word is one of the scariest for many people. I know it was for me. And till I had my first diagnosis 10 years ago, I never even wanted to know much about that disease or hear it too often in my presense as my fear was that the dwelling of that thought in my head would suggest to my body to create it. So it wasn't a thing in my life or mind ... till it was.
That journey is a story for another time. But in the 10 years since then, I learnt that there were scarier words (for me ... and apparently, many other people who had experienced cancer): the M (metastasis) and R (recurrence) word.
It wasn't until this last diagnosis (of recurrence) that I realised that while I lived as normally and happily as I could, I also lived 24/7 in constant fear (that M or R would occur). Every thing, big or small, that seemed abnormal was something to cause days and (sleepless) nights of fear - imagining all the worst scenarios.
I also didn't realise in 2015 that the doctors really didn't not have high hopes of my survival. (In fact, the first doctor told me to just go home and get my things in order.) And I didn't realise till later (after some fortunate/unfortunate) research that it was unlikely for me to live beyond 5 years after diagnosis for this type and stage of cancer. And as the years passed, I didn't realise till in the last year or so that the doctors were waiting for me to have a R or an M because that's just the way it goes.
I don't know if you did or will look into this Dr Joe Dispenza's work and I can't promise you that it will help you in any way, no matter that I believe it will. Because at this moment, I have no personal proof that it does. But I can tell you a bit of what has happened for me so far ...
I definitely have not been unhappy in the last 10 years or so. But I had had multiple suicide attempts for too many years of my life before then. And when I finally got it that I was a failure even at that, and I stopped trying (mainly due to the fear that in failing to kill myself I might end up handicapped or wheelchaired or paralysed with no means of escape). But I didn't stop fantasising about suicide and I didn't stop wishing I was not here anymore; that I was just dead.
2015 cancer was my first wake up call. It gave me my first taste ever of wanting to live. And that was one of the biggest gifts I received from the cancer. Maybe that is why I survived past everyone's expectations. But like I said, since then I lived under a constant shadow of the guillotine. And with every passing day and year, with all the endless bodily misfirings, I was becoming more and more fearful. (Though I think I was still hiding it well!)
2025 - this recurrence: this is my second and probably last wake up call. For many reasons I won't go into here, I knew there were things I had been ignoring or suppressing. In truth also, my life was losing its purpose and passion even while I still wanted not to die. And I can only thank God and the Universe that I "found" Dr Joe.
It was not because of Dr Joe's work (because that came after) but something inside of me that made me, this time round, to go contrary to conventional medical advice (immediate surgery, followed by meds and chemo). And so for now, I have no PERSONAL proof to offer you that Dr Joe's work actually works...in the sense of being "cured".
However I CAN tell you that while I still have blood work, medical appointments and scans coming up in less than a month and then to decide again re. surgery/chemo - in this period of trying my best to do Dr Joe's work, I have never felt stronger or happier or better in my life!!!
I have meditated 2-3 times every day, without fail. Not something I could ever achieve before, no matter how much I wanted to. And in all the years here (in beautiful Apollo Bay) and in fact, in my entire time anywhere, I have never been able to motivate myself to even go for daily walks no matter the endless lecturing I gave myself. These days (for over a month now), I am out walking for 1.5 - 2 hours daily. It may not be much of an achievement to anyone else, but to me, it is HUGE. As with the sleeping. Try as I might, I could never go to bed early much less wake up early. Even when I was working, I got up early (because I had to) but I almost never went to bed before 1-2 am. And that was, to me, considered early!! (My body took a lot of stress and abuse from me!!!) And even that habit and pattern has changed.
All those are HUGE changes in pattern. And while I cannot tell you exactly why it has happened, it is somehow linked to Dr Joe's work.
My point here is that, whether I did right or wrong in eschewing conventional medical advice, and even if it causes me to have shortened my life to a few months rather that a few more years with the surgery & chemo, etc...... it has still been the Right path for me becuase it was a choice of being more whole and happy than I have ever been versus another 5 or 10 or whatever years of still living in fear (for the next R or M to occur).
And so I urge you once again, with nothing to lose, to at least gift yourself the possibility that Dr Joe might have something to help you. It surely is worth an hour of your time to give to yourself the chance of finding some hope in so much darkness? And while it would seem virtually impossible that he (or rather his work) has helped people with much more hopeless situations than yours, it truly has been so. You have nothing to lose but an hour of your time.
His work may been contrary to all you knew or believed in or even hoped for. But I am reminded of the story of the man sitting on his roof while the flood waters kept rising. You must know this story, right? Here it is again anyway:
A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”
The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”
So the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”
To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”
To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”
To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”
(https://truthbook.com/stories/funny-stories/popular-stories/the-drowning-man/)
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”
The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”
So the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”
To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”
To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”
To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”
(https://truthbook.com/stories/funny-stories/popular-stories/the-drowning-man/)
Let me also add, Heym, that while I urge you to give this Dr Joe a listen, know that it is not a negation nor an abandonment of all that you have done (surgeries, dialysis, etc.) nor a rejection of medical convention. It can be an additional support to rather than an either-or situation.
I know you don't like reading and my answer has been very long. Only because I am trying to reach you the best way I can. And I can only pray that Divine Guidance will lead me on the right path to reach you; and for Divine Guidance to lead you onwards to something better.
Let me just say that Dr Joe's work is not hard and yet, it is not easy. It is not hard in that we don't have to fork out thousands of dollars to get to him, or make multiple visits, or have to climb tall buildings, or get injections or surgeries, or endure physical invasive procedures, and take endless awful tasting medicines, etc. We are lucky in this day and age to have ready access to so much information.
However it is not easy in that we have to overcome our own innner resistance, time and time again. In a way, it is like studying for exams. There is nothing physically hard in sitting down to read information. The hardest part in studying is self-discipline: to overcome the unrelenting urges to get up, listen to music, read a book, turn on the TV, ring a friend, or countless other distractions.
So with that said, I have tried to find a video that might be useful to you. (When you start looking, you will find hundreds of videos to do with Dr Joe and sometimes it is daunting and frustrating to find the "good" ones that will speak to you.) Even his own story (where he was told he would be paralysed after a major accident at 23 is worth listening to. At some stage.)
Try this one:
https://youtu.be/mH8GtM7CCcI?si=lS7-8F33J5EPUJGr
https://youtu.be/mH8GtM7CCcI?si=lS7-8F33J5EPUJGr
I have only watched the first 10 mins of it. (I will watch the rest of it after I have sent this off.) But I am trusting to a higher power than ourselves that there will be God's hand in this choice. If I could watch this for you and save you the trouble, I would. All I can do is pray for you and pass this on and pray for the Divine to intercede on behalf of my positive intentions towards you.
Here is one more story of transformation that I think is worthy of your time and attention. I pass this on to you too with all the hope in my heart that, God willing, you will find something that will bring a glimmer or light into your beautiful but seemingly blighted life at the moment. All of my love Heym. ❤️(p/s ... I hope I am not cooking today ... but who knows!!! We are going out for lunch so I am very happy! 😁)
p/s just a thought ... have you thought of renting out one of your rooms to help with the financial situation?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LMx0Zj9bLE
p/s just a thought ... have you thought of renting out one of your rooms to help with the financial situation?
Heym's reply, a day later ...
My dear Helena, this has to be the longest WhatsApp message I have ever received.😁
As I mentioned earlier, I just can't focus when it comes to reading a lot of words on a page. 🧐 You will have to summarise it for me into one paragraph or 5 sentences long. Sorry, sweetie🙏🏽
As I mentioned earlier, I just can't focus when it comes to reading a lot of words on a page. 🧐 You will have to summarise it for me into one paragraph or 5 sentences long. Sorry, sweetie🙏🏽
I really dislike having to write long replies. I replied and told her so. On Whatsapp and all the comms devices. Summarising what I wrote to 5 sentences is more than I am willing to do at this stage. Nor do I think I can even do it. It would require having to sit down and really work to summarise it. But down to 5 sentences? I don't think I can do it. Nor, given the response, do I even think it is worth my energy. So, I have taken her reply as she is not willing and not interested in looking for any other alternatives that might make her life easier.
Disappointed but not angry. This is my lesson on how to let go. Let it go, Helena.
Disappointed but not angry. This is my lesson on how to let go. Let it go, Helena.
