OK, let’s say that this distended belly and lower abdomen means something – and let’s say the body is telling me there is things “pent up” in there. So what is it? Or what are they?
Let’s say it is, as it keeps coming to mind, to do with mom. What could this pent up feelings be?
Let’s say I have taken on board mom’s emotions. What would they be?
Mom didn’t want me. She wanted me “unborn”, never created. Dead as a matter of fact. This is something my body knew way before it was confirmed by mom when I was in my forties. (The crying uncontrollably, much to my confusion, over the picture of the foetus; images & “memories” in “regression” (while in belly and still unborn) which I thought might be just something my mind made up; my feelings of “rigthness” over aborting pregnancies.)
What if what is “pent up” in my abdomen/belly is a combination of what I absorbed of mom’s feelings and my own reactions to that and my need to appease my mother to get her approval and love. What then do those pent up stuff consist of? What will give them resolution and most of all, release?
If I was mom, what would the pent up, unresolved feelings be?
To have parts of myself hate my child and feel anger towards her because she came into being despite how much I didn’t want her. To be lumbered with her. And that she was not an easy child to love made it all that much harder. And to feel guilty about the way I felt about her. And to feel guilty that at times, I didn’t even feel guilty about that. To feel so angry that she seemed so needy of my love and approval and that made me angrier because it was making me have to feel guilty. Like I was not a natural mother. And then over the years, to find she was deserving of love and approval and yet I was not able to feel any natural love for her. Which meant I must somehow be at fault. I was not a natural mother. And so, it is her fault. If only she had not been born.
Helena: of the 3 “persons” I saw before coming into this life and the sense of resistance from them and even disapproval. Their faces I never saw no matter how hard I tried. Today for the first time, there seems to be a face. And the face is that of my mom. She was one of those who was in consultation over my coming into this life. And she strongly disapproved. And I came all the same despite her “protests”. And so I came into being, carried in her tummy, surrounded by anger and disapproval.
And so I carried the seed of “not belonging”, of “wanting to go home” (which to me equated to death). And until this physical challenge, I never once wanted to be in this life that seemed so much swimming against the flow of life.
But since this physical challenge, I have finally had a short taste of what “going home” or “being Home” means. It does not mean physical death at all. It means being Home right now, in spirit. And I have for the first time had a re-mission of life – to re-mission for LIFE. To live this physical life in emotional and spiritual health. To be at Home in the here and now no matter what goes on.
So why is the pent up stuff still in me?
Do I need to release what I absorbed from mom? Did I over empathize with her emotions? (I know I always tried.) Do I need to let go of trying to appease her, even unto death?
It is strange and perhaps unhealthy my reactions to mom. Before it was just pure pain. To know in my being that at times, my mother really hated my existence. Of course I know she tried to do the best for me, to be as fair as she could. But really, she lived on principles and was not motivated by heart emotions. She battled her own demons within and one of them was how much she resented my very existence.
So I had a lot of pain in the past. And even though I thought it was just me “wanting to go home” and escape this life, a part of me was trying to give mom what she most wanted. My non-existence.
But I think that I have moved on from that. I no longer feel that pain nor does her sometimes very confoundingly bitter and resentful words and actions affect me. But I might have over-swung the pendulum. Sure it is good that I am no longer in that huge oasis of pain and darkness but it is as if I have slowly surrounded myself with cotton wool. I feel less and less and less over time.
It would perhaps be more natural to even feel some anger over what was patently unjust behaviours and words from her. Rather I became like some “saint” and did not let it affect me. I wonder if that was really true or whether I really could not, would not allow myself to feel anymore.
Perhaps even feeling the anger of the just would have been healthier. I know I felt something. And I must have suppressed it (hence, it became part of the “pent up” stuff). I know I was affected because after the last visit when mom’s behaviour to me was so patently unfair that all my siblings noticed and commented about it. And yet I didn’t feel enough for myself to be angry. And yet after that, the thought of going home and having to spend time with her and maybe go through all those unjust and seemingly inexplicable anger from her again was enough to make me feel most reluctant to even contemplate a home visit.
So on that basis alone, I know I was affected even if I didn’t allow myself to feel angry and hurt.
And if all this is true, how do I release this pent up stuff. It has become so pent up that it has now manifested into what could be a life-threatening huge lump that will require external injury (operation) to literally cut it out.
I don’t know how to release the pent up stuff. I cannot feel it even when my body does. The fact that the lump manifestation (energy distortion) is located where it is (pelvic – ovaries – >> birth, life; emotional center and pushes up into the “power center”) is another indication that we are on the right track.
Ovaries/abortion – >> wanting non-life
Emotional center – >> distortion of feelings in that they are suppressed into non-feeling
Power center – >> often not feeling empowered in this life
That my neck and shoulders are also very sore and impacted – I don’t know what that means other that the body trying to tell me that there are still things I have not dealt with.
But how do I go about releasing any of these when it feels as if only my body is recording them but I am not emotionally feeling them?
I just did an NLP intervention. Don’t remember the name of it.
Initial positions: (memory: that time I was home after England; mom home, angrily, for my bday and then that seemingly inexplicable blow up over Swee Meng)
Me to Mom: sorrow
Mom to Me: anger, anger. “You owe me”
Intervention: what Helena needs is not to give acceptance, understanding, or love to her mother. What Helena needs to “give” her mother is by Helena feeling her own strength, her own right to be alive, to be here. That she loves herself. That God loves her. That her decision to be born is fully supported by God. And as part of God, her right to be here is strong and true. Helena having that inner sense of her own rightness to be is what is needed.
Helena to mom: inner strength. Seeing how mom has gone through so much and deserves compassion. But that her demons does not diminish my own right to feel my own love and strength of life and beingness.
Mom to me: a sense of release.