My intro words to my "Blogs + Thoughts" were:
"Blogging will normally be about treatment, soul, mind, mental health, healing, intervention, and related areas of interest. Of course occasionally, you will find I just ramble ...."
It is now perhaps time that I combine the two - healing and rambling, though I must admit it feels much more like flailing and rambling.
I started this year with stars in my eyes thinking (and almost fully believing) that this was going to be my year. Right now (late Sep, 2011), finally, I think I believe and I fear, that it is. What do they say about being careful of the things you wish for ...
I thought I was careful but the Universe, in conspiracy with Life, is always one step ahead.
I, with tears in my eyes, keep thinking of "The Shift" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have the book, by my bedside, half finished. It has remained in the same state of unfinished-ness for over a year. Something shifted in me in a wonderful and hope-filled way when I first heard of and saw the video/movie trailer that Dyer made introducing "The Shift". I thought .. that is me. That is what I am ready for. That is what is waiting around the corner for me (all said with a joyous "yay" in my inner voice; at that time).
So despite my prudence in buying very few new books anymore, I went out and bought it. And I tried. But the book did not speak to me. I tired again over intervals of time, but it says naught to me still; much as I admire the author, his works and his words.
Today for the first time, I see what it may mean. It is not the innards of the book that spoke to me and speaks to me still. It is the title. Just those 2 words, "The Shift". When one sees, it is always so simple that when you explain it, everyone thinks, "yeah well, that makes sense. What is the big deal. It is so simple and uncomplicated." Don't you?
Is it now time for me to say the things that I don't want to say - to do the things I don't want to do? But that I actually do (want), but only on some other level of my being which knows that this path is waiting for me but that I had hoped was a path that I would not have to travel. Is it really true that my greatest joys and my greatest aversions are on the same path, through the same door? If it is so, (see, I still say "if" because rationally, I don't know do I? And I am hanging on to the faintest of hope that I am wrong in this), then it makes sense why "The Shift" evokes something deep in me. And if it is so, then I fear it is time for my shift.
I have just been listening to an interview: Brendan Burchard interviewing Paulo Coelho. Both famous - neither of whom I have read. I did try "The Alchemist" (by Paulo Coelho) but it didn't speak to me. A long time ago. And I only heard of Brendan Burchard a few days ago.
In this interview, Paulo was talking about how his latest book ("Aleph") was one that he did not think he would ever write because it was too difficult to write; too difficult to explain.
I often feel like that. I feel like that now. A point in time - this point in time - is not the result of a clear linear line of happenings. I stand in a tangle of wires, trying to untangle into intelligence, the awareness of which is the result of so many spokes of the wheel that happened in so many different ways, over such disparate points in time. The realization, the awareness, the dawning of intelligence - is because that and that and that happened but will any of those "that"s mean anything to you, pulled out from the context of my personal history and will they make sense to anyone but me. Can they? Should they? and ultimately, does it matter?
Where was I? Was I rambling? Or just effectively procrastinating? Because I was talking about ...
The Shift - My Shift
In a nutshell, if I can find one to fit, it means me and my life (having to) shift to do the things I am meant (?) to do, for which there have been so many pointers and messengers, and though I am still holding onto hopes of ignoring and resisting these, my largest and biggest pointer/messenger of all is how OverWhelmingly Huge & Loomiing is my state of Not-in-Happiness; how dis-engaged, unconnected, dis-connected, dis-jointed, lost, spinning, Flailing I am and have been increasingly so this year.
29 Sep 2011
(There has been an interval of a day since the last word above and the re-commencement now. I could not find the words. It proved harder than I was capable of, though not harder than I knew it would be.)
I know there is a shift coming. I just don't know for sure what it is.
I do know that this is not a be-happy-be-positive-success page. I do not have the answers. I do feel that these days it is almost incumbent, if one wants acceptance (even of the virtual kind), that one appears and sound happy, upbeat, positive, with solutions, tolerant. No body loves a wimp and a whinger. And if you are a wimp and/or whinger, you best keep that part hidden.
That is how it feels like these days. To my anyway. It reminds me of a time when women felt that they were supposed to do everything (mother, housebody, successful career female, sex kitten) but they were not supposed to feel overwhelmed. And so that was what they kept hidden.
Today after having gone through a couple of intensive Positive Therapy led by a multitude of success gurus, I feel as if everyone is putting on their best front. Everyone is eager, happy, and obliged to express how supportive they are in this new sharing age of technology. Everyone is eager, happy, and obliged to feeling Inspired by the works of others.
And I feel like an outside freak because I do not always feel that way. Not at all. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and insignificant - not inspired. Sometimes I just feel down and I feel I can't get up - not upbeat and positive and strong as almost everyone seems to be.
Recently I read of a man who had suicided. Brother of one of my virtual friends. Surprisingly in this day and age where almost every other person has been through and is not reticent in admitting, some mental depression and/or other mental problems, this man's severe depression was unknown and undiagnosed till after his suicide.
Most people felt sorrow, empathy, sympathy for the family that was left bereft and left behind. Sure I felt that too. It is a sadness that is almost beyond description. However I also felt politically incorrect feelings which I felt could not be expressed. Not to anyone. And I wonder is it just me? am I just The Freak?
My feelings on hearing of his dying was a tangled mix of my sympathy for his family (of course) but shamefully and maybe in equal if not larger portions, was my mixed emotions of envy. Not that I am suicidal at the moment but I cannot deny that there is a measure of envy for the man who has, in my mind, "gone on".
1 Oct 2011
ooops. Looks like another few days have slipped by. I could not complete this article and I could not publish it before because I could not find it's completion. But I think I will publish it now. It does not have an ending. I don't think it was meant to. They do contain unfinished stories, un-furling thoughts that will find resurrection and maybe, resolution, in future articles. Probably ...